well, we’re here again. another go round, another chance to evaluate the various ways in which i ate grass over the past 365 days.
part of me wants to break this into a “good news, bad news” type of setup, but i’m not gonna do that. i’m just gonna write it as it comes. on that joyful note: good news everybody (s.o. prof. farnsworth). after years of toil and suffering, being completely alone, and in spite of the opps in that establishment, i have finally escaped university. it would have been a joyous occasion, but i was too busy trying to keep myself alive. it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t pretty, and it was (as alluded to earlier) sometimes very very lonely, but the work is done. i am finally free.
sticking to the theme of finishings and completions, i also finished a one-year skills course i was doing. it was to learn how to write code, and it did, which is great. the self-doubt was massive, the challenges great, and juggling this with uni sure as shit didn’t help, but we made it out alive.
2023 was a year of massive upheaval for me. i had no school for the first time in almost a decade (had a gap year in 14/15). stayed outside my city longer than 2 weeks for the first time ever. people that know me know i don’t like change. i like things staying exactly the same, or at least with little variation. massive upheavals like what i’ve had to live through aren’t great for my mental. so. i guess it’s no great shock then that this has been the worst year for me mentally since 2019. “but, archer”, you say in your head (i assume, because i can’t hear you), “you’ve listed a lot of good things here. why is your mental in the provebial toilet?” the simplest answer i can attempt to conjure is that i’ve lost the ability to feel. it’s like that bit in inside out when riley’s controls are greyed out and the emotions can’t make her feel anything again. i’ve just been rolling through life on extended survival mode, and if i’m being honest, i don’t know how long this is gonna last.
last year i talked about how everyone in my friend group has up and gotten themselves in relationships, even people i never thought would be able to manage it, while i went a personal record 0-for-7. well, after two more at-bats, including one where i was sensationally caught out trying to round second, i’ve decided to announce my retirement from the game. you gotta know when you’re past it (or in my case, never had it) and save yourself future embarrassment.
late in the year, on some real 90+6' shit (dunno if you could tell i love my sport metaphors), i got some heavy news dropped on my head. the type of shit that freezes you in time. yet more upheavals in a time when i didn’t need any more. but life doesn’t ask permission. it takes and it takes and it takes. but in the end, it can only take so much.
i like to think about years in terms of themes. i watch a lot of movies and i guess it helps with the processing of the hellscape to imagine it as a movie, with plotlines and such. but i can’t. i’m six feet of physical and mental bruises from 12 months of almost non-stop battering. there are no safe harbors this far out (and this is the farthest out i’ve ever been), and i can feel my grip slipping. in summary, this has not been my decade.
until next time.
hasta luego ✌🏿
