how would you feel if something you worked close to a decade for didn’t happen? and not because of anything you did. you did what they asked, and sure you weren’t perfect (who is?) but you did what they asked. and now you’re left holding the bag, sand in your mouth, and nothing but a cacophony of mental illnesses as a souvenir of your eight years in hell.
one of my all-time favorite comics is jeph loeb and tim sale’s spider-man: blue. in it, pete shares a little nugget of wisdom. a principle that has permeated his life: bad before good. the logic is simple: good things are always preceded by bad shit. i have an addendum to that: good before bad: bad things are always around the corner to fuck up a good thing. i got the “news” (if you can call it that) after i’d spent the day at comic con. it was fun (not that i’m familiar with the concept), and after i got home i checked to see if my name was on the list of people being shepherded to law school (spoiler alert: it wasn’t). and there was my life in miniature: good time followed by bad shit. a cycle so constant i could set my watch to it.
i never make plans. life has a way of setting my plans on fire. it’s my personal curse. to plan is to envision, and once i envision a thing, life will find a way to make sure that that thing doesn’t happen. so, we have learned to fly by the seat of our pants. it’s not great, but it’s better than the alternative.
i think unilag has successfully broken me. normally, when i get news like this, i’d expect to be feeling all kinds of emotions, but there’s nothing there. just a blank void where it’s all supposed to go. there’s nothing there. took them eight years, but they finally did it. to paraphrase ultron, “i give them full marks for that.”
i’m tired. been tired for over 12 years. i just want to sleep. maybe i will. maybe this is goodbye. ✌🏿