in all my 24 years on this planet, i never thought i’d utter those words. yet, here we are, and here they are. why? what has led me down this path? come with me, let’s find out.
i am smack-dab in the middle of a panic attack as i write this. my heart is going at 1000bpm, my breath is all kinds of choppy, and i generally just don’t want to be here. why am i telling you this? because it helps explain why i miss school.
i’m a massive comic book fan. there’s many reasons for this: i like the characters, i like the art, i like the story. but, perhaps most importantly (at least for this purpose), they never end. comics are a unique medium in that regard. you can write hundreds of issues of a book and never have your main character do so much as celebrate a birthday. time isn’t a thing in comics like it is in real life. and that appeals to me more than you can know. the calm, almost metronomic routine that exists in that space. this issue, then the next issue, then the next issue, then the next. there’s always another issue around the corner. school was like that for me.
i have adhd (although i’m too poor to get a diagnosis) so routine is a big thing for me. i like the calm certainty of being led by a schedule. do this at 9, be there at 10.30, go home at 3. you know where you need to be. and school is nothing but routine and repetition. school starts at 8, ends at 3, and you have x amount of classes in the day. there’s a timetable, and when it’s all done. we do it again tomorrow. it’s like a comic book. a neverending stream of next issues. but once you leave school, the comic ends. the issues run out. now, you’re floating, sans that wonderful routine and you have to make all these decisions (not my strong suit) and essentially live life. i dunno if you know this, but life fucking sucks. it’s loud and expensive and frightening. there’s other people, and everyone else seems to know what to do while you stumble about like a blind man in the darkness, hands out in front of you hoping for some kind of guidance.
school was 16 different types of hell for me (secondary and uni). it gave me a whole heap of mental troubles that i will probably be battling for the rest of my life. but it also had a clear walkway, and without it, i don’t know how to live. maybe i read spider-man again.