I am done. To be honest, I’ve been done for a few years but I’ve always been able to find something in me to keep going all these years. But I think the era of white-knuckling is done. I’ve got nothing left. No mental trick to extent the miniscule crumb of happiness I’ve been managing since 2012.
I can’t remember a time when I was truly happy. What is it to be happy? Because I’ve felt joy, when Liverpool won the Champions League, when Liverpool won the Premier League, and many other “moments” in my life; but I don’t think I was ever happy. These moments just paper over the maw that is my life. Once the euphoria fades, I’m left holding the air, looking for another moment when I can forget, lose myself, not be who I am, and where I am.
Recently, I’ve been running out of moments, so as you can imagine, it’s been hard to maintain. Add to that the fact that I probably should be medicated and it’s not been a good few years. Luckily, I’ve been very skilled at creating distractions. They don’t last long term, and the whiplash can be brutal, but we do what we can. But even my distractions need a source, and if they get overwhelmed by life, they don’t do much.
So yeah, I’m done. I’ll still “Put on a happy face”, because that’s what I do, but I no longer have anything left to give.
