i’ve never liked change. much like sheldon cooper, i’m a fan of the concept of homeostasis. you could (and i have) proffer a reason why this is, but it won’t do you any good. such is the nature of the beast. however, change is unfortunately inevitable in human life. we grow up, graduate school, move out of our parents’ house, etc. there are few things more human than constant change. and now i have a big one coming down the pipe.
in a couple days, i will be in a different part of the hellscape i call a nation, performing certain mandated tasks. this will be the second time in my life that i’ve left the city for an extended period (daytrips up the highway don’t count), and the first time without any people i know going with me. this is, by anyone’s estimation, a fucking big change. and i have been handling it as only i can, fighting off a massive anxiety attack.
something i learned quite early in my life is that i’m very adaptable. it’s how i’ve been able to survive the upheaval that’s been my life the past couple years. i have this ability to figure out what it’s gonna take to see tomorrow and fall into it, and on a base level, i know that’s gonna kick in. once the bus crosses state lines and the full weight of my loneliness dawns on me, (if i don’t do anything drastic) my brain will go into survival mode. the problem is survival mode isn’t the best way to live. i should know, i’ve been doing it for the past seven years. and i don’t know that i can turn it off. defense mechanisms exist for a reason.
my best friend once told me something when i was going off to them about something or other. if you’re scared about doing something, that’s fine. do it scared. in this instance, i don’t have much of a choice, but still. a comforting sentiment.
i have no idea how the next couple of weeks (and months beyond that) will turn out. i have no frame of reference for this. this is as far from the shore as i’ve ever been in my entire life, and that terrifies me more than anything. but in the words of andy dufresne, you can either get busy living, or get busy dying.
see you in the funny pages.
